Spiralling Self Doubt

Am I really crazy?  I don’t think I’m crazy.  But three different people criticized me in the last twenty four hours for things that I wasn’t even thinking about.

Now Veronica probably doesn’t count, she’s just trying to beat me out on that promotion.  She wants to psych me out.  Why would she bring up an incident that happened over three years ago that I came back and apologized for?

Of course I did get in her face and accuse her of sabotaging my presentation that time.  I really thought she had done it.  Funny, we were both up for promotion then too… But all signs pointed to her having done it.  How was I to know the building had a power outage the night before and it messed up my computer?  And it’s not like I accused her publicly, I went to her office and shut the door.  And once I realized what really happened I went back and apologized profusely and we’ve gotten along ever since.  I was wrong in my accusation, but I didn’t go overboard, I don’t think… She just wants this promotion.  I’m not crazy.

Tanya seems to think I’m whacked out too, though.  She laid into me for forgetting her daughter’s birthday, saying I’m acting all selfish and don’t care about anyone else.  That’s not true, is it?  Yeah, I forgot what day it was, but I have her present at home in my closet, just waiting for her.  I was just nervous this morning about the meeting and it totally slipped my mind before I left the house.

The other thing that slipped my mind was Derek.  I’ve been so preoccupied, I just haven’t given enough to our relationship the last few weeks and he called me out on it this afternoon.  I was so happy about how well today went, I called him to tell him, and now I know he thinks I’m a spoiled selfish brat that free loads off of him.  That wasn’t my intention at all!

But i must be all of these things, really… right?  I mean, if I wasn’t so self absorbed, Derek and Tanya wouldn’t be mad at me.  If I wasn’t bat shit crazy, I never would’ve laid into Veronica without absolute proof like that, right?  I thought I was a good person, but maybe they are all right.  Maybe I don’t deserve any of them, or anything I have.  How the hell can I be a good person if I keep making these horrible mistakes?  Maybe…

Dammit, Sasha, don’t even start going down there!  Deep breath…

I’ve made mistakes, but I’m a good person.  Even if I don’t think I am, I have to be.  Even though everyone knows the truth — 

No!  I am a good person who has made mistakes.  I’m gonna snap outta this… after I finish wallowing a little while longer…. But a good person wouldn’t wallow, so maybe I’m just crazy…

Source: Picture Prompt #29: No. Yes!


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