The Great Tofurkey Debacle of 2015

“Well this is quite the pickle!” she laughed as she hung her coat in the closet. “Here we were going to have the perfect romantic Thanksgiving together, just the two of us.  And now we get to deal with both of our families!”

“Honey, I’m so sorry! I never should’ve mentioned your parents to my parents… Your Mom and Dad would have been easy enough for dinner tomorrow; I shoulda known Mom would insist on Thanksgiving dinner as well.”

“I just wish your mother didn’t think my parents were evil and would sit down to the same Thanksgiving dinner! I can’t believe I have to cook two meals!” Amber called as she walked in the kitchen and started pulling supplies out of the pantry. She began singing to herself as she worked. “Twas the day before Thanksgiving, and all through the kitchen, nary a person was cooking, except for a Wiccan…”

Continuing to hum, she brought out a cutting board and started slicing vegetables. “You know what? I’m only cooking one tofurkey, babe! Your parents are coming first, so your Mom will see it fresh out of the oven. I’ll take a picture to show my parents when they get here later. They’ll understand. Sound good to you?”

William’s head slowly appeared from the door frame of the kitchen.  His face wore a mixture of anxiety and horror. “What are you doing, again?”

“Well right now I’m slicing potatoes to roast with the tofurkey.” Amber smiled.

William walked with intense focus, crossing the kitchen to the center island. He was acutely aware of the tight line he was now balancing. “Babe, I’m sorry, but you can’t do that.”

She set the knife back down and looked at him earnestly, “Oh, I’m sorry,” she said, “do you have a problem with this?  Shit Will, you actually expect me to cook two tofurkeys?!?”

“No, not all, “William saw his opening and ran with it. “The butcher shop is advertising roasted turkey breasts.  I’ll call and reserve one, pick it up in the morning, and all you have to do is cook one delicious tofurkey we can enjoy with your parents.”

William waited as Amber stared at him, the look on her ranging from thoughtful to quizzical, until finally it snapped into full-on female fury.  For a split second his mind flashed back to a particular incident in his Army days, where he was surrounded by the enemy and the afternoon sun clearly defined every crag and boulder William would have to climb and crawl over in order to escape. He couldn’t decide whether he’d rather be here or back there.

“William! The Rede! Are you suggesting we contribute to the death of a living creature?”

“No… I’m suggesting that we take advantage of the fact that a guy down the street has already killed, plucked and cooked said living creature, so why don’t we buy it and spare ourselves from dealing with a psychotic episode from my mother?”

“If we buy that turkey, we might as well have snapped its neck ourselves! And think of the bad karma we will have to live with!”

“I do not see how eating an already dead turkey can land us anymore worry than the trouble we will have if you serve tofurkey to my mother.”

“William, I’m sorry I just can’t do it.” Amber gave him her best puppy dog look.  He sighed.

“Okay, we do it your way.  Tofurkey it is.”

The doorbell rang promptly at 11:30am the next morning.  Amber had barely turned the handle before William’s mother busted through, leaving William’s father somewhere in between the car and the porch. Amber to a deep breath and smiled. “Regina, how are you?”

“Sorry we’re late dear, but I’ve never heard of Thanksgiving meal so early in the day! If you had only consulted us before making arrangements with those other people…”

“My parents, Regina. Those other people are my parents.” Amber’s smile grew more strained by the minute.

“Yes, of course, you poor dear… So! Let’s eat!” Regina bustled everyone into the dining room where she critically eyed the table. “Well, it smells decent, though next year you should follow my biscuit recipe Amber. Those were in the oven a bit too long.  And how long did you cook the turkey? I’m not sure, but it doesn’t look quite right…”

Amber took a deep breath. “Well, if you remember Regina, due to our religion, William and I have chosen vegetarianism. That’s a tofurkey, and I assure you, it’s cooked perfectly and tastes delicious.”

Regina’s scream could be heard for blocks.

Ninety minutes later, William and Amber were standing on the porch waving as Regina and William’s father screeched out of the driveway.  Amber leaned her head on William’s chest.

“Next year, I’ll buy the turkey.”

William smiled. “Deal.”

 

Source: Wed Stories: Plot Line